Every song reminds me of him.

Things are slowly getting better. My appetite has finally returned thanks to a giant piece of chocolate silk cake. Sleeping has gotten somewhat better. Though I lay awake for most of the night, I'm at least able to get some hours in. I haven't talked to Peter since Monday, which has been my own doing. I figure it's best I don't talk to him right now, in hopes that it'll make getting over him move a little faster. I'm stuck listening to the radio in my car for now. It seems that every song on my iPod reminds me of him and when I listen to a song that does, I start to entertain my thoughts and imagine what it would be like if him and I were together. Then I'm right back where I started so it's probably best I just stick with the radio for now. When I'm alone I think about what he told me and repeat it out loud:

"You and I will always just be great friends."

I figure if I hear it more, I'll believe it more.

i'm just not good enough

I am in so much pain. My heart is aching. I want to scream but I don't have the strength. I haven't eaten anything or slept since Saturday afternoon. It's never felt this bad before. What hurts me so much is that I know what it feels like having his lips against mine. What hurts the most is that it's never going to happen again. It didn't mean anything to him and yet it meant the world to me. I can still feel him. His words are constantly echoing in my mind:

"I love you, but just as a really great friend.."

I feel so lonely. I feel like I'll never find love.

I feel like I'm good. Just not good enough.

I'll never be more than just a friend..

The last two nights feel like a blur.

I went down Friday with some friends to visit Peter and some friends at his school. Is was around 9 at night when we showed up at Peter's house. When we got there all the lights were off and it looked like no one was home. We walked up to the door and my friend J knocked on the door. We stood there for a minute or two until the door opened up and there was Peter smiling away at us. I hadn't seen Peter since our trip to Chicago and the moment I saw him I felt all my feelings for him rush back instantly. Sometime between our Trip to Chicago and then, Peter and Mary-Jane had a huge falling out and weren't talking to each other at the moment. The night went on really well and we ended up partying at Peter's place. As the night went on and the late night turned into the early morning I was ready for bed. My friend Katie and I were told we could sleep on Peter's bed that night. Everyone one else in the house had gone to sleep and I was laying down in Peter's bed when I heard somebody walk into Peter's room. They made there way over to the bed and crawled in and immediately put there arms around me. It took me a minute to realize who it was. It was Peter. He was rubbing my arm and chest and he started telling me how sad he was. It had been two weeks since he'd talked to Mary-Jane. I told him everything would be okay. We were laying there, holding each other and he pressed his forehead against mine. He kissed my cheek so I kissed his forehead. We moved our faces closer together again and this time our lips met. His lips were so soft and I felt his tongue move along mine. My body was buzzing and my mind was racing. I couldn't believe what was happening. We stopped and he told me he was sorry. I told him not to be and we both started crying. I told him everything would be okay. We both fell asleep in each other's arms.

I woke up the next morning and our backs were facing each other. That whole Saturday, Peter and I went on like nothing had happened. I spent every minute replaying what had happened earlier that morning in my head. We all spent the day hanging out. It was later on in the evening the I heard Peter say "Man, I don't remember anything that happened last night after I helped Tom get to bed." Peter had gone to bed right after he'd helped Tom. My heart sank. He didn't remember the kiss and worst of all it probably only happened because he was drunk. There was another party that night and I continued to go on like nothing had happened. It was only later on, after I'd had a couple, okay a lot, of drinks that my friend J noticed I couldn't keep my eyes off Peter. I'd told him earlier on on the day what had happened and he told me that I should talk to Peter about what had happened, and that if I didn't he would. I told him to promise me who wouldn't say anything to Peter until I'd said something to him first. A couple hours later, I stepped outside to get some fresh air. I walked to the side of the house and saw Peter and J talking on the side of the house. After they'd split up I confronted J and asked him what he had said. He reassured me he didn't say anything other than that Peter should talk to me sometime before we went home. Well, Peter and I never did get to talk that night. We were both heavily intoxicated that it was best it didn't happen.

I cried myself to sleep that Saturday night/early Sunday morning. And by 8am we were on our way back home. It was until later today that Peter got a hold of me on Facebook and mentioned what J had said to him. He was worried that he'd done something to upset me and a reassured him he didn't. That i just wanted to talk face-to-face because it was important to me. But I went and told him anyways. Peter was shocked. He told me he was sorry and that he didn't remember doing it, and that if he hadn't been drunk it wouldn't have happened.

I told him I liked him.

He told me he loved me, but just as a really great friend and nothing more. He was sorry he led me on and he feels terrible.

I've never felt this kind of pain before. It hurts so much that I can't cry, I can't eat and I can't think about anything but him.

Everyone tells me I'm a great guy, but apparently not great enough. I'll never be more than just a friend...

It's like I'm still in high school.

So a friend of mine, we'll call him J, has been crushing on another friend of mine, we'll call him L. L recently told J that he is crushing on me. J gets upset because he thought L was interested in him so J decides to tell L that I don't like him that way and because I am already crushing on someone else (Peter.) So L comes to me and asks me if I like him. I tell him the truth. That I only see him as a friend because I just don't know him that well. Well L tells me he's loyal and that he can wait for me. I tell him not to do that because I wouldn't want him to miss an amazing opportunity because he's waiting on me. So L gos to J and is all upset and pouty going on about how he always falls for the wrong guys. L tries to cheer himself up by telling himself "Well hey, at least I'm number 2!" J then decides to inform L that, well he's actually number 3, because I'm actually crushing on 2 guys (Peter and R). L flips out again and we're right back where we started with a shitload of unnecessary drama.

Meanwhile, Peter and Mary-Jane have split. But Peter is having one hell of a time trying to move on. Peter has informed me that he's been going many nights without sleep because he just lays awake crying thinking about Mary-Jane.

I feel like I'm still in high school and yet I'm a sophomore in college...

Thanks mom..

We were sitting on the floor in his bedroom, our backs up against the side of his bed. We were watching some movie on the TV. I felt something soft touch my hand and I looked down to see his fingers interlocking with mine. I looked up at him and our eyes met. He flashed me a nervous smile and I flashed one back at him. We were still for a couple of seconds until our faces began to grow closer. Our lips were inches away from touching when suddenly I heard the smoke alarm go off.

My eyes popped open and I heard my mother shouting from downstairs "Don't worry! I just burnt some toast, you can go back to sleep!" I sat up in my bed, sighed and thought to myself. "Thanks mom, just when the dream was getting good..."

Here we go again.

School's back in session and once again I'm dirt poor.

The cruelest kind of love.

I would like to take this time to quote the character of Iris Simpkoms from the movie The Holiday:

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. On that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one-sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"

I could have stayed there in that moment with him forever..

I spent last Friday and Saturday with Peter Parker and some friends in the great city of Chicago. It was perhaps the best time I've had all summer. Partly because I got to spend it with Peter. I know I told myself that I wouldn't let things go beyond a crush, but at this point I say fuck it. It's obvious my feelings for him are strong. I can't deny them. Sure, he's got his 'Mary Jane Watson' but they aren't even technically together anymore. Does that mean I'm going to pursue him? No, probably not. Even if every time I listen to him speak in Spanish I want to jump on him and run my fingers through that dark hair of his and kiss his luscious lips. But no, I'm too much of a wimp to admit my feelings to him. I mean, I don't even think I need to tell him how I really feel. I know he doesn't like me that way. And that's okay I guess. I'd rather have him as my friend than nothing at all.

The trip was spent watching a ballet recital. Loads of sight seeing and shopping. A visit to Chinatown and so much more that I think I'd be here for hours typing it all. We stayed at the apartment of one of my friend's friends. The place was a HUGE loft which they used to hold local concerts and there happened to be one the first night we were there. The vibe was beyond chill. The people I met were so carefree and cool. And the view from the rooftop of the apartment at night was...just ridiculous. I could so see myself living there.

My last night in Chicago was spent on the rooftop of the apartment we were staying at. Peter let me take some pictures of him as the sun was going down. The view was beyond beautiful and I could have stayed there in that moment with him forever. I snapped this picture of him just as we were about to leave the apartment and it's hands down one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken.

School starts in 13 days. I may not have gotten the summer romance I was looking for but in the end I did get an adventure. And it's an adventure I don't think I'll ever forget.

Gays, drags and girls who piss in public.

First off I'd like to acknowledge my last post and state that everything is fine now. I had a lot going on at the time but things have since then cooled down. Now for my actual post..

So last night was the last and final night of PRIDE here where I live. This was my second year going and let me just say it was quite an interesting night. I hitched a ride with a couple of friends and we got to festival around 8 o'clock pm. There weren't many of my friends there when I got there but let me tell you what, I had never seen so many lesbians before in my life. The hour went by pretty fast and by 9 the place just started to pour with gay men. (I've come to the conclusion that the lesbians come out during the day and when the sun begins to fall, the closet doors open up and out comes the gays!) Anyways, I'm chillin out, having a good time when suddenly I spotted my high school algebra teacher. Now I'd always figured she was a lesbian, she fit the stereotype pretty perfectly but she never mentioned it, I mean, she really couldn't unless she wanted the school to like flip out. But it was totally cool seeing her. I walked up to her and she gave me a big hug and we had a really good conversation.

So 10 o'clock rolls around and the drag show has started. My friends and I were standing on the sidelines and because I didn't like the view from where I was I decided to go find a better spot. I end up up finding a perfect spot somewhere near the middle of the crowd. The show starts and suddenly I see someone walking up to me out of the corner of my eye. Who is it you ask? It was none other than the boy I mentioned in one of my later posts. We'll call him R. So R walks up to me, says hey and stands by me for about half of the show. During that time we had casual talk, exchanged some smiles and talked about what we thought of the queens, but I could hardly focus due to the fact that whatever cologne he was wearing kept drifting my way and I was fighting back the urge to rip off his clothes. After a while R decided he was gonna go meet up with some other people so he walked away and I was back standing by myself. About 10 or 15 minutes passed by and I felt someone gently grab the back of my neck. It was like a mix between a squeeze and a rub. So I turn to see who it was and I see R smiling at me as he walks away. I was pretty sure I was over him until that point because the moment I saw him smile at me I felt my crush come back instantly. Fuck.

The night ended with a party afterwords. I actually had a lot of fun at the party even though drop of alcohol didn't touch my lips. I'm usually really shy and awkward at partis that have large groups of people and I like to use alcohol to help myself loosen up, but for some reason I didn't need it. I was chatting it up with everyone and I loved it. So instead of getting plastered and making a fool of myself I got to witness others make complete and total fools of themselves, one of which was an ex of mine and made me wonder what I ever saw in him. Also made me wonder how obnoxious I am when I'm drunk. But I do know that I'd never piss in public. Just as I was leaving the party I see this girl who's totally plastered stumble over to the building next door to where we're partying. So she walks up to the wall of this building and lifts up her skirt, spreads her legs and just starts pissing in public! It was so disgusting! I'm so glad I'm gay.

I want everything to be fine..

I'm so scared right now. Terrified. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. I just want this to be over with; I want everything to be fine. I pray to God for everything to be okay, but I feel as though I don't deserve his help. I know he's with me, but I don't think I deserve it.

I'm a big boy, I can handle myself..

So I'm sitting here, it's 2:30 in the morning, I'm writing this blog as I video chat with Peter Parker. We've been v-chatting now for about 2 hours and 52 minutes. He is so ridiculously cute. He's got this smile that just makes you melt and his boyish charm is so wonderful. I feel myself falling for him more and more every time we talk or hang out. And the bad thing is, I know nothing is going to happen between us, other than being friends and yet, I'm still letting myself fall for him. I'm a big boy though, I can handle myself. At least, I hope so...

I know things could be much worse, but this summer is so not going as I'd hoped...

I love how all of my most recent post have something to do with me whining about being single. This one is no exception. 4th of July ended about an hour ago and honestly it really wasn't anything special. I started my day off by working. Gotta love the Kohl's shoe department. It's the best (in case you hadn't caught on, that was sarcasm.) While I was at work I got a text from a buddy of mine telling me was was going to be in town for a bit and wondered if I wanted to hang out after I'd got off work. Of course I did! Not only is he a great guy, but I'm totally crushing on him so any chance I get to hang out with him is a plus. Oh! And it's the same guy as mentioned in my last post. We'll call him Peter Parker from here on out. Once off work I rushed home, cleaned up, changed my clothes and got ready to leave. But before I was to meet up with him I had to stop and say hello to my family who was over to celebrate the 4th. Though I did feel bad that I wasn't going to stay very long, I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to hang out with Peter. I met up at Border's and when I got there he was looking oh-so-cute! He was there waiting for his boyfriend, who was at work across the street at the mall. I hate that he has a boyfriend. But what I hate even more is that I want Peter and his boyfriend to break up and Peter to come to me. It's so horrible to say because they really are a great couple and they really do love each other. It's just, I want Peter... Anyways, we hung out at the book store for a couple hours and then it was time to split. One thing you gotta know about me is, I'm a hugger. It's what I do. Him on the other hand, he does that whole straight-boy hug, where you shake hands then move in and tap backs. You know what one I'm talking about? Yea, I don't think I'll ever get that down. I can never remember what comes nexts. Anyways, so we said our goodbye's (he smelled really good btw, I'm not sure what type of cologne he uses but whatever it is, it's great) and it was on to my other friend's house for the night. I wish somebody would have told me that'd I was going to be the only single person there because then I could have at least invited someone to make me look less as pathetic as I felt. There were about 4 or 5 couples there, all being lovey dovey because when you're dating someone it's a rule that you must show everyone exaclty how much in love you are. puke. We lit off some fireworks and out of everyone, I of course end up being the one who gets shot in the neck by flying debris. After that I spent the majority of my night thinking about Peter and pretending that I was texting someone, so people wouldn't think I was some patheic loser who couldn't get a date. I really should just suck it up and quit it with the whining, I mean, I know things could be much worse, but this summer is so not going as I'd hoped...

He's like Peter Parker (minus the super powers.)

Okay, so I've come to the conclusion that there's obviously something wrong with me. I think I subconsciously fall for guys I know I can't have. So there's this friend of mine who will remain anonymous, but I've never thought of him of anything more than a friend. I've always thought of him as the dorky; goofball type. The Peter Parker type if you will (minus the super powers). Except I recently saw some pictures of him and in these photos he didn't look dorky at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He looked very handsome and grown up. I was seeing him in a whole new light. And suddenly I felt something. I no longer saw him as just the dorky friend type, I saw him as a very handsome and attractive guy, and I felt myself crushing. Now this isn't a crush nearly as bad as the one I have on the guy mentioned in my previous post, but it's definitely a crush. The bad thing is, he just recently got into a relationship with a guy. A guy he's been in love with for quite some time. Which is what leads me to think perhaps I fall for guys I know I cant have, perhaps out of fear of something else..

Misery loves company..

I love my friends to death. And I don't know of any people more deserving of love than my friends. Lately though, I find myself so envious of the fact that so many of my friends are in or are starting relationships. I awoke this morning with a message from a friend mine stating that he had something really important to tell me. I messaged him back and was informed that the boy he liked had asked him out and that they were officially boyfriends. Of course, I was happy for him. He definitely deserves it. He's a great guy. But I found myself frustrated. I seem to be the one my friends always have to go to when they're really into someone and just want to spill about how much they like this person. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE that my friends can talk to me about this stuff, it lets me know that what I think matters. Except lately I just really don't care. I'm so frustrated with my lack of a love life that I'd much prefer my friend's be frustrated and lonely with me, instead of me being the only one. Call me selfish, but what can I say? Misery loves company..

JONATHAN!

..and we were kissing again, slow and deliberate like ice melting on a countertop.

I love to read. Like, really love to read. I didn't always feel this way about reading. I used to hate it with a passion. You couldn't have given me all the riches in the world to read a damn book. My feelings towards books have since changed. What I love the most is, every now and again, you come across a book that you completely connect with. I love that feeling you get when you connect with a story and it's characters. It's no longer a a work of fiction because their story is now yours. It's real. I'm reading The Vast Fields of Ordinary by Nick Burds. I just got it from the library today and more than halfway through with it. I can't put it down, I'm relating to this story so much it's scary. But I love it. I've got to tell myself to slow down because I don't want to finish it it's that good. Anyways, that's all I've really got to say for now. I'm gonna go read some more. So until later, peace!

JONATHAN!

i'm like the worst blogger in the history of blogging..

So I'm probably like the worst blogger in the history of blogging. I started this blog with the idea that I'd be updating this thing constantly with interesting and cool posts. So far, I'm failing miserably. Perhaps it's the fact that I live such a boring life. So far the majority of my summer has been spent in one of two places: my house or Kohl's (that's where I work.) But from here on out, I am going to do my utmost best to try and update this thing as much as possible! I mean, I owe it to my followers. Ahaha, no but seriously, I logged on today only to find out I have like 5 followers. Which was a shocker to me because, well quite honestly I wasn't ever really expecting to have anyone follow me. Anyways.. My first month of summer is over and I've got about 2 more months left. So far I am making NO progress on my summer goals. Which totaly sucks because I keep telling myself I'm going to have this amazingly awesome summer full of life defining moments and memories that'll last me a lifetime and so far the only thing I can think of worth sharing would be witnessing a 2-year-old almost get smashed in the head by the a foul ball at a baseball game (it was hella crazy though!) I'll try to be optimistic though! I mean, I still have two months left of summer and God knows anything can happen in that much time! So until then, peace!

JONATHAN!

Boys just don't like me.

So I've just found out that the guy I have a crush on just likes me as a friend. Deep down I knew he didn't feel that strongly about me. But it still hurts. I let part of me get my hopes up. I let a little piece of me hold on to that hope that he might just like me back. I really fell for this guy, and now I'm wishing I wouldn't have let myself fall so hard. I wasn't prepared for how much the drop was gonna hurt. Sure, I'll get over it and move on. I always do. I'm used to disappointment. I just feel really lonely right now. So many of my friends are in relationships and to be honest, I am so jealous. I want that feeling you get when you're with that person you care so much about. And I'm tired of being told that it's going to happen for me, because you know, it isn't happening. Majority of guys around are just not worth it. They're trash, scum and whores. Either cheating on their boyfriends or looking for the latest hook up. I want a real genuine guy. And at this rate, it looks like I'll never find him.

It's like I'm on house arrest...

So far my summer has been mighty boring. I've been stuck at home doing absolutely nothing. Work is giving me no hours, I'm barely working 10 hours a week. I don't have a car to drive right now. It's like I'm on house arrest! Maybe I'm just a really boring person. I'm just hoping this isn't a sign of things to come for the rest of my summer.

On a positive note! I went to the movies with a really cool guy last night. I had such a blast. Not to mention he's super adorable and I'm mad crushing on him... What sucks the most is I can't read him. I have no idea if he likes me or not! Oh well, I'm just gonna be myself and let whatever happens happen.

P.S. I'm totally gonna start working out again this summer. My goal is to get a body like this hottie. Haha

And now the fun begins

Ahh, so it's been a while since my last post. I was very busy with the last couple weeks of school I didn't have much time for any blogging. But now I'm done with school for the summer, I've passed all my classes and it's time for the fun to begin! I don't really have much planned for the summer as of yet, other than to just have fun. I did have a friend suggest to me that I make goals for the summer and right now that doesn't sound like a bad idea. So here are some goals for my summer.

Goals of Summer '09
1. Find a summer romance.
2. Go on an adventure.
3. Discover something new about myself.
4. Write a book.

So I know that's a pretty short list, but it's all I've got right now. I'll definitely be coming back and adding more when I come up with some. So until then, enjoy your summer!

You've just got to keep moving.

I was being driven to my car after hanging out with some friends after classes today. It was early, around one in the morning. It was just my friend and I driving along the road back to campus. As we were driving we spotted something moving slowly across the street up ahead. As we drew closer we discovered it was a goose who must have been hit by a vehicle or attacked or something. It was dragging along it's right wing which looked severely broken. And as I watched this poor animal slowly move itself to the safety of the sidewalk, it's broken wing dragging along at it's side, I felt a mixture of two things. Sorrow and strength. I felt a surge of pity rush through my body. But as we drove away I thought to myself, this creature is probably feeling so much pain, and yet it's not giving up, it's continuing to move along. Sure, I don't know what became of that goose, but what I do know was in that instant I knew I could move along as well.

A major decision

I think I'm finally going to declare a major.

Bachelor of Fine Arts with a concentration in Photography and minor in Theater.

I'm pumpeddddd.

Happy Easter

Easter is almost over and what a day it was. My mother really wanted me to go to church with her and because I knew it meant a lot to her I decided to go. I can't remember the last time I attended church. I honestly think the last time I went was for my brother's confirmation which was a little under a year ago. And that was the first time in a long time too. I used to go to church when I was younger. I even think I enjoyed it. It's just now that I've grown up and when I knew I was gay, my relationship with God seemed to weaken. I don't feel like I belong in church. Like I shouldn't be there. Which I know is not true because I know that God loves me no matter what. I still cant help it though. I miss feeling close to God.

As for the rest of my Easter Sunday, I spent the day at my aunt's house with my mom's side of the family. It's insane to me how much I've grown up. It seems like just yesterday it was my cousins and I who were the ones getting the Easter baskets and hunting for eggs. But now we've actually got some little ones in the family, and my cousins and I are no longer the little kids in the family. We're the ones hiding the eggs now. It's fun though, watching the little ones run around like mad trying to find eggs.

All in all, it was a good day. I'm gonna end it with some Daniel Craig in Quantum of Solace!

(yes, I know the image is from Casino Royale, but it's a hot pic! :P )

I was bored once...

So I'm sitting on campus completely bored out of my mind. Figured I might as well update my bloggg. I've got Sociology in about 45 minutes and I'm debating on whether or not I really wanna go or just skip it and go to the mall instead. I'm thinking the latter. I'm pretty stoke for Saturday to get here. I don't have my Design Fundamentals class so instead I'll be spending my day watching the first three season of Beast Wars with my friend. I'm totally having a nerdgasm just thinking about it! :D

Oh, Hello There.

Wow. I’ve always talked about wanting to start a blog but just never got around to doing it. Well, here I am finally starting a blog! I kind of feel like I should write a long and interesting entry seeing as how this is my first one, but honestly, I don’t really have/can't think of anything to write about right now, ahaha. Anyways, I really do plan on updating as much as possible and really going with this blog. So until next time, byee!

(I think it's funny I'm saying bye to no one. lmao)