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I spent last Friday and Saturday with Peter Parker and some friends in the great city of Chicago. It was perhaps the best time I've had all summer. Partly because I got to spend it with Peter. I know I told myself that I wouldn't let things go beyond a crush, but at this point I say fuck it. It's obvious my feelings for him are strong. I can't deny them. Sure, he's got his 'Mary Jane Watson' but they aren't even technically together anymore. Does that mean I'm going to pursue him? No, probably not. Even if every time I listen to him speak in Spanish I want to jump on him and run my fingers through that dark hair of his and kiss his luscious lips. But no, I'm too much of a wimp to admit my feelings to him. I mean, I don't even think I need to tell him how I really feel. I know he doesn't like me that way. And that's okay I guess. I'd rather have him as my friend than nothing at all.
The trip was spent watching a ballet recital. Loads of sight seeing and shopping. A visit to Chinatown and so much more that I think I'd be here for hours typing it all. We stayed at the apartment of one of my friend's friends. The place was a HUGE loft which they used to hold local concerts and there happened to be one the first night we were there. The vibe was beyond chill. The people I met were so carefree and cool. And the view from the rooftop of the apartment at night was...just ridiculous. I could so see myself living there.
My last night in Chicago was spent on the rooftop of the apartment we were staying at. Peter let me take some pictures of him as the sun was going down. The view was beyond beautiful and I could have stayed there in that moment with him forever. I snapped this picture of him just as we were about to leave the apartment and it's hands down one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken.
First off I'd like to acknowledge my last post and state that everything is fine now. I had a lot going on at the time but things have since then cooled down. Now for my actual post..
So last night was the last and final night of PRIDE here where I live. This was my second year going and let me just say it was quite an interesting night. I hitched a ride with a couple of friends and we got to festival around 8 o'clock pm. There weren't many of my friends there when I got there but let me tell you what, I had never seen so many lesbians before in my life. The hour went by pretty fast and by 9 the place just started to pour with gay men. (I've come to the conclusion that the lesbians come out during the day and when the sun begins to fall, the closet doors open up and out comes the gays!) Anyways, I'm chillin out, having a good time when suddenly I spotted my high school algebra teacher. Now I'd always figured she was a lesbian, she fit the stereotype pretty perfectly but she never mentioned it, I mean, she really couldn't unless she wanted the school to like flip out. But it was totally cool seeing her. I walked up to her and she gave me a big hug and we had a really good conversation.
So 10 o'clock rolls around and the drag show has started. My friends and I were standing on the sidelines and because I didn't like the view from where I was I decided to go find a better spot. I end up up finding a perfect spot somewhere near the middle of the crowd. The show starts and suddenly I see someone walking up to me out of the corner of my eye. Who is it you ask? It was none other than the boy I mentioned in one of my later posts. We'll call him R. So R walks up to me, says hey and stands by me for about half of the show. During that time we had casual talk, exchanged some smiles and talked about what we thought of the queens, but I could hardly focus due to the fact that whatever cologne he was wearing kept drifting my way and I was fighting back the urge to rip off his clothes. After a while R decided he was gonna go meet up with some other people so he walked away and I was back standing by myself. About 10 or 15 minutes passed by and I felt someone gently grab the back of my neck. It was like a mix between a squeeze and a rub. So I turn to see who it was and I see R smiling at me as he walks away. I was pretty sure I was over him until that point because the moment I saw him smile at me I felt my crush come back instantly. Fuck.
The night ended with a party afterwords. I actually had a lot of fun at the party even though drop of alcohol didn't touch my lips. I'm usually really shy and awkward at partis that have large groups of people and I like to use alcohol to help myself loosen up, but for some reason I didn't need it. I was chatting it up with everyone and I loved it. So instead of getting plastered and making a fool of myself I got to witness others make complete and total fools of themselves, one of which was an ex of mine and made me wonder what I ever saw in him. Also made me wonder how obnoxious I am when I'm drunk. But I do know that I'd never piss in public. Just as I was leaving the party I see this girl who's totally plastered stumble over to the building next door to where we're partying. So she walks up to the wall of this building and lifts up her skirt, spreads her legs and just starts pissing in public! It was so disgusting! I'm so glad I'm gay.
I'm so scared right now. Terrified. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. I just want this to be over with; I want everything to be fine. I pray to God for everything to be okay, but I feel as though I don't deserve his help. I know he's with me, but I don't think I deserve it.
So I'm sitting here, it's 2:30 in the morning, I'm writing this blog as I video chat with Peter Parker. We've been v-chatting now for about 2 hours and 52 minutes. He is so ridiculously cute. He's got this smile that just makes you melt and his boyish charm is so wonderful. I feel myself falling for him more and more every time we talk or hang out. And the bad thing is, I know nothing is going to happen between us, other than being friends and yet, I'm still letting myself fall for him. I'm a big boy though, I can handle myself. At least, I hope so...
I love how all of my most recent post have something to do with me whining about being single. This one is no exception. 4th of July ended about an hour ago and honestly it really wasn't anything special. I started my day off by working. Gotta love the Kohl's shoe department. It's the best (in case you hadn't caught on, that was sarcasm.) While I was at work I got a text from a buddy of mine telling me was was going to be in town for a bit and wondered if I wanted to hang out after I'd got off work. Of course I did! Not only is he a great guy, but I'm totally crushing on him so any chance I get to hang out with him is a plus. Oh! And it's the same guy as mentioned in my last post. We'll call him Peter Parker from here on out. Once off work I rushed home, cleaned up, changed my clothes and got ready to leave. But before I was to meet up with him I had to stop and say hello to my family who was over to celebrate the 4th. Though I did feel bad that I wasn't going to stay very long, I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to hang out with Peter. I met up at Border's and when I got there he was looking oh-so-cute! He was there waiting for his boyfriend, who was at work across the street at the mall. I hate that he has a boyfriend. But what I hate even more is that I want Peter and his boyfriend to break up and Peter to come to me. It's so horrible to say because they really are a great couple and they really do love each other. It's just, I want Peter... Anyways, we hung out at the book store for a couple hours and then it was time to split. One thing you gotta know about me is, I'm a hugger. It's what I do. Him on the other hand, he does that whole straight-boy hug, where you shake hands then move in and tap backs. You know what one I'm talking about? Yea, I don't think I'll ever get that down. I can never remember what comes nexts. Anyways, so we said our goodbye's (he smelled really good btw, I'm not sure what type of cologne he uses but whatever it is, it's great) and it was on to my other friend's house for the night. I wish somebody would have told me that'd I was going to be the only single person there because then I could have at least invited someone to make me look less as pathetic as I felt. There were about 4 or 5 couples there, all being lovey dovey because when you're dating someone it's a rule that you must show everyone exaclty how much in love you are. puke. We lit off some fireworks and out of everyone, I of course end up being the one who gets shot in the neck by flying debris. After that I spent the majority of my night thinking about Peter and pretending that I was texting someone, so people wouldn't think I was some patheic loser who couldn't get a date. I really should just suck it up and quit it with the whining, I mean, I know things could be much worse, but this summer is so not going as I'd hoped...
Okay, so I've come to the conclusion that there's obviously something wrong with me. I think I subconsciously fall for guys I know I can't have. So there's this friend of mine who will remain anonymous, but I've never thought of him of anything more than a friend. I've always thought of him as the dorky; goofball type. The Peter Parker type if you will (minus the super powers). Except I recently saw some pictures of him and in these photos he didn't look dorky at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He looked very handsome and grown up. I was seeing him in a whole new light. And suddenly I felt something. I no longer saw him as just the dorky friend type, I saw him as a very handsome and attractive guy, and I felt myself crushing. Now this isn't a crush nearly as bad as the one I have on the guy mentioned in my previous post, but it's definitely a crush. The bad thing is, he just recently got into a relationship with a guy. A guy he's been in love with for quite some time. Which is what leads me to think perhaps I fall for guys I know I cant have, perhaps out of fear of something else..
I love my friends to death. And I don't know of any people more deserving of love than my friends. Lately though, I find myself so envious of the fact that so many of my friends are in or are starting relationships. I awoke this morning with a message from a friend mine stating that he had something really important to tell me. I messaged him back and was informed that the boy he liked had asked him out and that they were officially boyfriends. Of course, I was happy for him. He definitely deserves it. He's a great guy. But I found myself frustrated. I seem to be the one my friends always have to go to when they're really into someone and just want to spill about how much they like this person. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE that my friends can talk to me about this stuff, it lets me know that what I think matters. Except lately I just really don't care. I'm so frustrated with my lack of a love life that I'd much prefer my friend's be frustrated and lonely with me, instead of me being the only one. Call me selfish, but what can I say? Misery loves company..
JONATHAN!
