Every song reminds me of him.

Things are slowly getting better. My appetite has finally returned thanks to a giant piece of chocolate silk cake. Sleeping has gotten somewhat better. Though I lay awake for most of the night, I'm at least able to get some hours in. I haven't talked to Peter since Monday, which has been my own doing. I figure it's best I don't talk to him right now, in hopes that it'll make getting over him move a little faster. I'm stuck listening to the radio in my car for now. It seems that every song on my iPod reminds me of him and when I listen to a song that does, I start to entertain my thoughts and imagine what it would be like if him and I were together. Then I'm right back where I started so it's probably best I just stick with the radio for now. When I'm alone I think about what he told me and repeat it out loud:

"You and I will always just be great friends."

I figure if I hear it more, I'll believe it more.

i'm just not good enough

I am in so much pain. My heart is aching. I want to scream but I don't have the strength. I haven't eaten anything or slept since Saturday afternoon. It's never felt this bad before. What hurts me so much is that I know what it feels like having his lips against mine. What hurts the most is that it's never going to happen again. It didn't mean anything to him and yet it meant the world to me. I can still feel him. His words are constantly echoing in my mind:

"I love you, but just as a really great friend.."

I feel so lonely. I feel like I'll never find love.

I feel like I'm good. Just not good enough.

I'll never be more than just a friend..

The last two nights feel like a blur.

I went down Friday with some friends to visit Peter and some friends at his school. Is was around 9 at night when we showed up at Peter's house. When we got there all the lights were off and it looked like no one was home. We walked up to the door and my friend J knocked on the door. We stood there for a minute or two until the door opened up and there was Peter smiling away at us. I hadn't seen Peter since our trip to Chicago and the moment I saw him I felt all my feelings for him rush back instantly. Sometime between our Trip to Chicago and then, Peter and Mary-Jane had a huge falling out and weren't talking to each other at the moment. The night went on really well and we ended up partying at Peter's place. As the night went on and the late night turned into the early morning I was ready for bed. My friend Katie and I were told we could sleep on Peter's bed that night. Everyone one else in the house had gone to sleep and I was laying down in Peter's bed when I heard somebody walk into Peter's room. They made there way over to the bed and crawled in and immediately put there arms around me. It took me a minute to realize who it was. It was Peter. He was rubbing my arm and chest and he started telling me how sad he was. It had been two weeks since he'd talked to Mary-Jane. I told him everything would be okay. We were laying there, holding each other and he pressed his forehead against mine. He kissed my cheek so I kissed his forehead. We moved our faces closer together again and this time our lips met. His lips were so soft and I felt his tongue move along mine. My body was buzzing and my mind was racing. I couldn't believe what was happening. We stopped and he told me he was sorry. I told him not to be and we both started crying. I told him everything would be okay. We both fell asleep in each other's arms.

I woke up the next morning and our backs were facing each other. That whole Saturday, Peter and I went on like nothing had happened. I spent every minute replaying what had happened earlier that morning in my head. We all spent the day hanging out. It was later on in the evening the I heard Peter say "Man, I don't remember anything that happened last night after I helped Tom get to bed." Peter had gone to bed right after he'd helped Tom. My heart sank. He didn't remember the kiss and worst of all it probably only happened because he was drunk. There was another party that night and I continued to go on like nothing had happened. It was only later on, after I'd had a couple, okay a lot, of drinks that my friend J noticed I couldn't keep my eyes off Peter. I'd told him earlier on on the day what had happened and he told me that I should talk to Peter about what had happened, and that if I didn't he would. I told him to promise me who wouldn't say anything to Peter until I'd said something to him first. A couple hours later, I stepped outside to get some fresh air. I walked to the side of the house and saw Peter and J talking on the side of the house. After they'd split up I confronted J and asked him what he had said. He reassured me he didn't say anything other than that Peter should talk to me sometime before we went home. Well, Peter and I never did get to talk that night. We were both heavily intoxicated that it was best it didn't happen.

I cried myself to sleep that Saturday night/early Sunday morning. And by 8am we were on our way back home. It was until later today that Peter got a hold of me on Facebook and mentioned what J had said to him. He was worried that he'd done something to upset me and a reassured him he didn't. That i just wanted to talk face-to-face because it was important to me. But I went and told him anyways. Peter was shocked. He told me he was sorry and that he didn't remember doing it, and that if he hadn't been drunk it wouldn't have happened.

I told him I liked him.

He told me he loved me, but just as a really great friend and nothing more. He was sorry he led me on and he feels terrible.

I've never felt this kind of pain before. It hurts so much that I can't cry, I can't eat and I can't think about anything but him.

Everyone tells me I'm a great guy, but apparently not great enough. I'll never be more than just a friend...

It's like I'm still in high school.

So a friend of mine, we'll call him J, has been crushing on another friend of mine, we'll call him L. L recently told J that he is crushing on me. J gets upset because he thought L was interested in him so J decides to tell L that I don't like him that way and because I am already crushing on someone else (Peter.) So L comes to me and asks me if I like him. I tell him the truth. That I only see him as a friend because I just don't know him that well. Well L tells me he's loyal and that he can wait for me. I tell him not to do that because I wouldn't want him to miss an amazing opportunity because he's waiting on me. So L gos to J and is all upset and pouty going on about how he always falls for the wrong guys. L tries to cheer himself up by telling himself "Well hey, at least I'm number 2!" J then decides to inform L that, well he's actually number 3, because I'm actually crushing on 2 guys (Peter and R). L flips out again and we're right back where we started with a shitload of unnecessary drama.

Meanwhile, Peter and Mary-Jane have split. But Peter is having one hell of a time trying to move on. Peter has informed me that he's been going many nights without sleep because he just lays awake crying thinking about Mary-Jane.

I feel like I'm still in high school and yet I'm a sophomore in college...

Thanks mom..

We were sitting on the floor in his bedroom, our backs up against the side of his bed. We were watching some movie on the TV. I felt something soft touch my hand and I looked down to see his fingers interlocking with mine. I looked up at him and our eyes met. He flashed me a nervous smile and I flashed one back at him. We were still for a couple of seconds until our faces began to grow closer. Our lips were inches away from touching when suddenly I heard the smoke alarm go off.

My eyes popped open and I heard my mother shouting from downstairs "Don't worry! I just burnt some toast, you can go back to sleep!" I sat up in my bed, sighed and thought to myself. "Thanks mom, just when the dream was getting good..."