Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'll never be more than just a friend..

The last two nights feel like a blur.

I went down Friday with some friends to visit Peter and some friends at his school. Is was around 9 at night when we showed up at Peter's house. When we got there all the lights were off and it looked like no one was home. We walked up to the door and my friend J knocked on the door. We stood there for a minute or two until the door opened up and there was Peter smiling away at us. I hadn't seen Peter since our trip to Chicago and the moment I saw him I felt all my feelings for him rush back instantly. Sometime between our Trip to Chicago and then, Peter and Mary-Jane had a huge falling out and weren't talking to each other at the moment. The night went on really well and we ended up partying at Peter's place. As the night went on and the late night turned into the early morning I was ready for bed. My friend Katie and I were told we could sleep on Peter's bed that night. Everyone one else in the house had gone to sleep and I was laying down in Peter's bed when I heard somebody walk into Peter's room. They made there way over to the bed and crawled in and immediately put there arms around me. It took me a minute to realize who it was. It was Peter. He was rubbing my arm and chest and he started telling me how sad he was. It had been two weeks since he'd talked to Mary-Jane. I told him everything would be okay. We were laying there, holding each other and he pressed his forehead against mine. He kissed my cheek so I kissed his forehead. We moved our faces closer together again and this time our lips met. His lips were so soft and I felt his tongue move along mine. My body was buzzing and my mind was racing. I couldn't believe what was happening. We stopped and he told me he was sorry. I told him not to be and we both started crying. I told him everything would be okay. We both fell asleep in each other's arms.

I woke up the next morning and our backs were facing each other. That whole Saturday, Peter and I went on like nothing had happened. I spent every minute replaying what had happened earlier that morning in my head. We all spent the day hanging out. It was later on in the evening the I heard Peter say "Man, I don't remember anything that happened last night after I helped Tom get to bed." Peter had gone to bed right after he'd helped Tom. My heart sank. He didn't remember the kiss and worst of all it probably only happened because he was drunk. There was another party that night and I continued to go on like nothing had happened. It was only later on, after I'd had a couple, okay a lot, of drinks that my friend J noticed I couldn't keep my eyes off Peter. I'd told him earlier on on the day what had happened and he told me that I should talk to Peter about what had happened, and that if I didn't he would. I told him to promise me who wouldn't say anything to Peter until I'd said something to him first. A couple hours later, I stepped outside to get some fresh air. I walked to the side of the house and saw Peter and J talking on the side of the house. After they'd split up I confronted J and asked him what he had said. He reassured me he didn't say anything other than that Peter should talk to me sometime before we went home. Well, Peter and I never did get to talk that night. We were both heavily intoxicated that it was best it didn't happen.

I cried myself to sleep that Saturday night/early Sunday morning. And by 8am we were on our way back home. It was until later today that Peter got a hold of me on Facebook and mentioned what J had said to him. He was worried that he'd done something to upset me and a reassured him he didn't. That i just wanted to talk face-to-face because it was important to me. But I went and told him anyways. Peter was shocked. He told me he was sorry and that he didn't remember doing it, and that if he hadn't been drunk it wouldn't have happened.

I told him I liked him.

He told me he loved me, but just as a really great friend and nothing more. He was sorry he led me on and he feels terrible.

I've never felt this kind of pain before. It hurts so much that I can't cry, I can't eat and I can't think about anything but him.

Everyone tells me I'm a great guy, but apparently not great enough. I'll never be more than just a friend...


  1. Sorry to hear about your ordeal with Peter. He seems like a good friend at least. Maybe something can be of that? BIG HUGS!!!

    and lots of love,

  2. That was painful to read. Is Peter gay? If he's straight, then going after him like something will happen between you two will just likely result in more heartbreak on your part. I'm curious though (maybe I wasn't paying attention). Why did you cry when you had that intimate moment with Peter? To me it seemed perhaps a bit like a "tears of joy" thing, but there could be something else?

  3. He's bisexual. They were tears of joy and I also think they were a little bit tears of sadness. I think a small part of me knew it meant more to me than it did to him.